Looking back,

I miss 2007.
I miss wearing my school uniform, which obviously looked horrid on me.
I miss gossiping with friends during recess..
I miss zoning out during lessons.
I miss Ms Ong's constant nagging at our class.
I miss listening to Syafiq & Danial sing in Malay class.
I miss climbing up to the 4th floor so that I can wait for the girls after school.
I miss being a loner in 4A.
I miss the stuffy classroom.
I miss Foofy's inspirational speeches.
I miss laughing at Charan.
I miss Andrey's irritating nonsense.
I miss listening to Yuting's idol chasing stories.
I miss eating snacks in Geog class.
I miss telling Hakim that my heart flew away when a certain person walks past.
I miss English lessons with Ms Yong.
I miss night study timing & the camwhore sessions that followed.
I miss walking to Lot 1 for lunch after school.
I miss the school fries and wedges.
I miss the honey lemon with nata de coco & pearls.
I miss watching Zheng Xuan & Junjie poke fun at Andrey.
I miss painting my huge canvas.
I miss the soccer ball and injuring myself.
I miss not wearing make-up.
I miss being a zombie.
I miss my life and everybody who made it special.
I miss not being in a relationship and lamenting about my single life for the whole 16 years.





I can only see how beautiful my life was now that it's over. Why didn't I realise it sooner?

I guess that I really miss a lot of things.



Should I visit Kranji again for CNY?

I don't think they will kick me out.
My hair, no matter how brown/red or obvious it is, has never been caught.
I'll probably get caught for contacts & that's all....

I lie alone in total silence
my heart writhes in total agony
Loneliness consumes me
For there is no other who understands
The heavens where I used to danced upon
Have turned into a barren land which burns our souls
My hands are trying to reach out
To feel the stars that were once within my grasp
But I feel the distance between us growing further
As I begin to fall into an endless pit
My mind starts to whir
As questions come flooding in
Is this how it feels like
To have your wings clipped?
For I feel like an angel
Who has fallen into the pits of hell
She is trying desperately
But she can't get out...




(:

I lost the light.
It doesn't matter anymore...

"The First Cut Is The Deepest"

I would have given you all of my heart
But there's someone who's torn it apart
And he's taken just all that I have
But if you want I'll try to love again
Baby, I'll try to love again, but I know...

The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know
The first cut is the deepest
But when it comes to bein' lucky, he's cursed
When it comes to lovin' me, he's worst...

I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
And I'm sure gonna give you a try
If you want I'll try to love again, (try)
Baby, I'll try to love again, but I know...

OOHHH,
The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know
The first cut is the deepest
But when it comes to bein' lucky, he's cursed
But when it comes to lovin' me, he's worst...

I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
But I'm sure gonna give you a try
Cuz if you want I'll try to love again
(Try to love again, try to love again)
Baby, I'll try to love again but I know, OOHHH....

The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know
The first cut is the deepest
When it comes to bein' lucky, he's cursed
When it comes to lovin' me, he's worst

OOHHH, the first cut is the deepest
Baby I know (baby I know)
The first cut is the deepest
Try to love again...










That's just how it feels...



The truth is, I just want to be single so I don't need to face it.
So that I don't end up hurting the people who love me.


Truth is, the feeling that I have towards my eyecandies & my crushes isn't that deep.
Truth is...
You really weren't my first love but you were the one I really whole-heartedly fell for...
The one who took my breath away with a simple kiss.
The one who made me look forward to every single text message and every single date.
You're the one...
Who stood by me when my mom was at the worst.
You're the one, I gave my love to without asking for anything in return.
You're the only one... I can imagine myself holding for all eternity.



Baby, please come back. I love you and only you...
Those words cannot be said out loud because no matter what...
We cannot be together.
But if it really is love, then we would try to be together.
But since you want to go, I can only let you leave....





All I had to say is goodbye
We're better off this way
We're better off this way

RELATIONSHIPS

Five months ago, I would have said that I believe in fairytales, love at first sight & true love. Now, to even hear me say that I believe that we were fated to meet, love & be together for all eternity, is unbelievable. I haven't even used such words in forever.


Girls love using the word fate don't they? They love to believe that such fairytales do happen and that one day, a prince will come riding on his white horse and save them from their plight. Oh my, how dreamy.

I believe in fantasies but with regards to romance, I no longer believe in stuff like... OH MY PRINCE IS HERE! HE'S GORGEOUS & BLAH BLAH!
I used to daydream that my love would be a handsome prince, who is the heir of some big company and that we would fall in love the first time we lay eyes on each other. I used to dream that we might always end up bumping into eachother and that he would save me from all of my worries.
Oh how prince-like & fairytale like but unfortunately, my love can't be an Edward Cullen and neither can he be like Joe Cheng's character in ISWAK.
Never.
I'm sorry but this is reality. I can never find such guys and neither will most of you. *shrugs*
Continue dreaming but don't hate me if you don't get what you want.


Really.
Idol dramas, shoujo mangas, fairytales, books... All encouraging the "perfect love". Perfect my ass. No such thing as perfect in this world!


In truth,
the things that make relationships work are...
The effort both parties put in.
I'm serious about it.


I believe in a relationship, both parties need to put in a lot of trust, love & hard work. Communication is essential. It's the most important thing. Other than that, both parties must learn how to sacrifice. Don't change, be yourself. It's important to remember who you are.



As a girl, what I really look for in a guy...
Is his ability to make me smile because if he can make me smile then everyday would be beautiful.
Other than that, he must be able to hold an intelligent conversation with me. (Yes, I may be stupid but I do love my men to be able to discuss politics etc)
Most importantly... He must be able to feel at ease with himself & with me. ((:




In the end, no matter how complex a relationship might seem...
It's actually really simple. You just need to observe it. (:





I'm sounding like an expert again, but like I said... I'm going to spend the rest of '08 being single just because I want to. I'm not ready yet.

These few days, I feel so experienced.
I feel like a pro. XD



Pro at dishing out advices especially in relationships!
Question mark? Yeah. Funny thing is that, my love life sucks to the max. Uh huh...



Damn, Aishah needs to stop blogging already.
I just realised I haven't replied the sms. *slaps forehead*

Camwhore mode. LOL


How long has it been since people have seen me in my glasses?
I think it must have been forever. LOL.
And I'm in my nightie. Moooo~
Cows. And what's written is... Don't cry over spilt milk. *cough*
Funneh right?





I'm bored. I need a job!
Btw.
Random note: Did u know I like to touch my nose whenever I camwhore? HAHA.

Okay, I shall not rubbish & crap anymore. (((:

I don't like the direction I'm heading towards but it's really too late for me to hit the REWIND button. ):


Last night, I had another strange dream, which is not that unusual because I have strange dreams all the time and by all the time, I mean... Almost every night.
My dream last night was seriously weird... Seriously weird.

Okay.
The dream.
Apparently, in my dream I was dressed in a pretty gold dress and I was in a studio doing a photoshoot. Weirdly, the photographer in my dream is David Haselhoff.
It's weird because I doubt he takes photographs and why am I his model?

Halfway through the shoot...

Double L walks in. Strange because Double L doesn't do photography and doesn't even know that I've started doing shoots. Well, his dad is a photographer though.... (shit... @#$^*#!@@)

I start up a conversation with Double L for old times sake and suddenly he bursts out at me.

Suddenly the reason for ________________, was because I lost his phone?!
Eh. I know I lost my phone but since when have I ever lost his phone? And FYI, his phone was not with me during cosfest. My phone wasn't even with me. I kept it in the pink bag that Khai was forced to carry.

I kept on insisting in the dream that I didn't loose his phone because I never held on to it & funny thing is... In the dream, we're using the same phone. D:
WTH!
In case you didn't know, I nearly got his phone last year & he nearly got my Samsung phone(the one I was using 5 months ago)
Wow. Coincidental? I really don't know because we've been known to say things at the exact same time & same things somemore & to the same person through msn. It's enough to make a person go OMG.
Telepathy? I guess so... )):


Anyway, after much discussion in the dream...
I looked up to him & said, "So YOU _________________ just because you think I lost your phone?! WTH?!"
Then I slapped him. (I love this part!)

Then we started talking again...
I ended up crying. And suddenly, we're back together again.
And I was holding on to him so tightly, never wanting to let go...
I remember the last few words I said in the dream were, "Aishiteru yo Shirou desu."



I know why that dream happened though. It's because my heart still doesn't want to let go and because last night was the 7th of the month.
*silent prayer*




Guess that's it... I gotta learn how to move on. (:
shirou, if you're reading this...
Goodbye.

He sends chills running down my spine,
Tormenting me with his every word.
Leaves me begging each time,
Hoping that this torture would end soon.
My heart beats a thousand times too fast,
I hear the knocks on my door,
My mind is warning me not to open them,
Not to let anybody in as easily as I used to.
But I just can't seem to listen to my head,
Because I am confused by my heart.
Truth is I want this torment to end,
With a happy ending that will make Cinderella cry.
He sends chills running down my spine,
And all I feel is that warmth inside...









I wrote this on a whim.
It's called He Sends Chills Running Down My Spine.
I'm all creeped out by a mysterious person but somehow... It's quite a nice feeling.


Gahh, I think it's horrid. I haven't written in like forever.
Comments please...

The Outing [06/07/08]

THE CENNINCHEVITANS OUTING ON 06/07/08













If the place looks so unlike Downtown East, it's because it isn't Downtown East.
We ended up changing the venue at the very very last minute.


Hmmm...
Let's see...
We watched Body Of Lies together.
Boring. Not my type of show.
We went to NUM. I looked for Hafi. & they went looking at the tanks & so did I.
I don't even know why I was looking for Hafi. And I can't believe I asked the guy working there. *hits head against the table*
Hafi is so gonna kill me. I can go Vivo look for Xia Chen but noooooo. I look for Hafi.
They played at the arcade. Obvious right?
Oh & Wan Lim came, we took purikura. (yet to scan)
The 3 boys bought her a domo! LOL
And finally, we ate together & went home.
LOL.


I feel really lazy to blog these few days. The past few days were surprisingly filled with many words.


Oh & I found out that somebody lives really near me. It's so near, it beats Jun Long's near. It still doesn't beat Victor's near though. HAHA.

Words were starting to fill this space. Words filled with much emotions and I had a story to tell but somehow each time the words were written, I would erase them away. I'll tell myself it's no good. Nobody'll understand...


I'm weird just like that but you know...

There'll be a day when I'll write it. I'll write everything down like I used to.

Fill these pages with my emotions, with my words. I'll let you see how much has happened. I'll let you see the real me.


My words haven't been flowing out freely anymore. I wonder why...

The past few days have been crazy.
I just logged into my other e-mail, the one which I threw aside, and found more than a thousand unread emails. And majority of those unread emails came from Facebook or should I say, all of them.
The Cenninchevitans have been commenting on photos, writing on people's walls & I don't think it will end anytime soon. Do you?
Well, obviously not. Since...

We're having outings almost every week. Pro eh?

Told you my weekends weren't free.

I haven't even had a free weekend to myself ever since O levels ended. Not as if I want to be cooped up at home but it's cool. Haha.

Gosh, I really am fascinated by the weirdest things aren't I?

Let's see...


This weekend,

Escape! With the Cenninchevitans (:
Downtown East will probably bring back a lot of memories.... Very bittersweet memories but I guess with the company of the rest of them, I'll probably be smiling instead of crying. (:
Still, I'm going to Escape not Wild Wild Wet. Wild Wild Wet then can say a lot of very nice memories. Escape, the other time we went... Raining uh...


Next weekend.
Matthew's outing.
Supposedly our BBQ but because of the outing, we decided... Change plans! Haha.
So our BBQ postponed to.... 3rd Jan

20th Dec
I think I got something on but I can't remember what. LOL.

27th Dec
I'll be enjoying myself in KL.

3rd Jan
Cenninchevitans BBQ ((:

10th Jan
NP open house & some RC activities?




See my schedule.
Need to book me first. LOL.







Right now, I'm watching Ouran! (:
Tamaki~ Honey! ^^
I absolutely adore them like omg! <3
Listening to Sakura Kiss, made me realise that it's been a long time since I last went for a K session.
And I mean a japanese K session!

I want to sing Tsubasa & Jewels!!!! ^^
Actually, I want to sing Truth & Starless Night too. (:
Goodbye Days too! I sorta memorised the lyrics to Goodbye Days. It would have been wonderful if I could play the song on guitar. <3


Gah, off to watch anime! ((:

everybody's going through problems now.
wonder if it's my fault.



I see couples breaking up, arguing before my eyes.


I see friends bickering over the stupidest things.







I know I shouldn't blame myself but ever since 070708, I've been watching things crumble before my very eyes.
I wonder if I'm a jinx....
I'm really silly aren't I?





Thought those days were over. But they were never...

I'm starting to not like visiting my blog because of that photo. I come in, the first thing I see are his eyes & I go... SHIT!
Haha.


I'm serious. I should have posted that photo all the way at the bottom instead.


It seems like I'm writing loads of rubbish again. I really don't know what to write. ):

By the time Ami & Sze return, I'll probably have loads of entries which they have yet to read. LOL.


I need new contacts. ):
My turqoise ones tore & purple isn't as pretty on my eyes as blue is. )):
I'm vain. What do you expect??
Pretty blue eyes~~ (:
Nvm, will stick to purple until next year. Cos, I'll be going KL soon! YAY!

Once upon a time, I thought we were a fairytale. A story so sweet and so beautiful. They commented on our "telepathy" & the time we spent on each other. My life was you for those few months.

My life was you & only you.

Each day was magical and I could only wish for more days to come. I never once wanted it to end. We were together almost every single day but then it happened.

We had our arguments & I guess you hated it.
I hated it too but I stuck with you because I knew that no relationship is perfect.
I knew that arguments do happen even to the most loving couple.
But I guess, you wanted something that didn't have any arguments.
I can only guess that you grew tired of me.

On the last day, I was still holding on & loving you with my heart.
I sang a song about us & I thought you knew the words too because that night, you held me in your arms so tight, I didn't want to leave you...

And the next night,
you texted me...
Telling me that if this relationship hurts you so much, then its better to end this now.
And then, we ended our story.

For the entire night, my mind was blank. I was still in shock.

The next morning, I woke up & felt like I needed you by my side & it was then it hit me.
We're no longer a couple.
I broke down & just lost my mind.
I still remember the date we ended and I still remember what happened afterwards.

I tried my best to reason with myself but no matter what I did, I couldn't accept it. The fact that you were gone, hurt me more than anything.
I felt like I had lost my life, I was like an empty shell... Walking about with a distant look in my eyes...




A month later,
it was my birthday.
I can still remember every detail. Every painful moment of that day.
I doubt I really had a sweet seventeen. It was more bitter than sweet.
Imagine it, your bf ends your precious relationship just a month before your birthday.
I didn't have a cake.
I had so few people wishing me because I was only with him for the past few months & I felt like I had betrayed some friendships..
Thank goodness for Chin Ming & Lin Lin who sort of celebrated with me that night.
It was more of eat pizza & talk & rant compared to celebration.
Eve was in England. ):
I only celebrated my birthday on the last day of August because that was when my friends were free. I didnt mind of course because I knew their schedules. I really didn't.. Honestly.
Still, the day I turned 17 was day I realised how bittersweet my life had been for 2008.


Afterwards, with each passing day...
I had nightmares until I couldn't sleep.
And my eyebags grew worse.
You haunted me like a ghost every single day until that day....


Or rather that night.
I let it all out with the music & for the first time in 9 months, I actually felt free.
My nights were sleepless no more & I could finally say out those words. Yes, those words which I'm especially fond of saying. (:


The next day, I decided to be your friend once more but I don't know...
I wasnt really able to see you try to be my friend. It was more like, I'm the only who was trying.

And then, I lost my phone.
I thought hard about it before whether I should remain inside.
And then, when I lost all my contacts, I decided... It's fate.
It's better this way....



I guess, when you said goodbye.
When you left...
It was just fated to be that way.


That photo...
Is the first and last photo we took together after we broke up.
It will be the last because from now on, I'm no longer your LLL anymore.
I've decided to walk down that path for real now & I have no more excuses to run away from it.


I'm glad that the last few words from me to you...
is Jia You!
Because, I will never get a chance to tell you to jiayou anymore. I won't.
I'm glad you saw my smile & my teeth that day. (:
Glad that the last time I behave as if I know you, I was happy and we didnt give each other so much pain.



Still, it's time for goodbye for you have hurt me so.
I need to move on.
If I were to think about us being friends, then I'll start thinking of all the hurt that you left me & I wouldn't be able to be who I am. And we will end up hurting each other.



Therefore....


It's time I go.
I'm sorry but this is the way it has gotta be.








I don't love you like I loved you yesterday.
But don't get me wrong, I still love you...
It's just that I need to heal so that when the next guy comes along, he'll have all of my heart.
Right now, my heart is still too weak to like anybody yet....
So I gotta stay strong.
For the future...







Goodbye.

I miss Ami! ):
I want to sms YOU now! HAHA!
Sat was sad without me sms-ing you about all the silly details. I'm serious! HAHA!

When you're back, I WILL SAY OUT EVERYTHING!


I LOVE MY FRIENDS! (:
All my very very hot friends.


This will be the last time I admit it!
ALL MY FRIENDS ARE HOT! XD














&& those people who have my number, please sms me & tell me who you are....
i'm already so hard to contact you know... haha
& if one day, you sms me & dun tell me who you are... I might just assume you to be some random stranger. haha

RED CAMP 5 Unofficial outing



Poor Aishah went for the outing by herself. No friends.
Then kena separated from her juniors.
Oh well, doesn't matter. So long as can make new friends.


HAHA! (:
CENNINCHEVITANS! ILY (:
LOL!


Anyway, I met new friends like... Yaya, Fah, Syai, Aaron, Wang An, Sebastian, Natalie etc. Is somebody's name missing??? I think so.. haha.


Oh. Our OEI is funny sia! VITAGENS; THE HEALTHIER CHOICE!

Haha. The games were silly but they were fun. (: I think Matt & co did a great job!

The games ahh... The water game was ermmm.... =/
Apparently we were supposed to pass water from the sea into a bottle. Initially, we wanted to use t-shirt and squeeze it in, but in the end... the guys changed plan.
Guess what.
I actually volunteered to hold the bottle.
But... I kena the worse thing ever...
Hah. LAN, you will never believe this & apparently, you'll never know because i will never tell you! HAH! && let me emphasise this, YNTOON! HAH!
Okay. The boys decided to use their mouths. And they did.

So blur Aishah, encourage them somemore... Hold bottle somemore...
Then Ziq said it.
My reaction...
A few seconds... BLUR
Head goes... OMG!
A few seconds later... mouth goes... EEEEEEEEEEE!
I'm still shocked.
So I started cursing. F! F! F!

What's so EEE about boys using mouth to get water inside the bottle? Oh? Its that, the water has their saliva and I'm holding the bottle and it actually kena my hand! nice eh. oh well... I actually endured until the end of the game. If it were the guy i like *cough*, I'll be okay. But, hello. A lot of strangers? It's like... EEEEEEEW! haha. But okay la, I'm very open minded. (:


The squirrel & tree game also best! Haha! keep on switching with the person beside us. haha

but the best has got to be...... err... swimming in the ocean~

HAHA.
Don't want to talk about what happened at night cos it's sad. haha




PEEKS!


this was after they split us


our SL! HAHA! ZIQ!!!!!
my tongue short ah. I love her tongue. That's Yaya btw! And how often do you see me without make-up?
sitting down at sapphire pavillion
some random SL. haha. like the float!


that's me & FAH!
that's some of our cenninchevitans!
idk what we were doing. haha


the lookalikes
nianting & me! haha! i'm sweating yo!
CENNINCHEVITANS! ILY!
That guy is Shafiq! Haha! LOL. He's a nice guy! HAHA!
That's Sulaiman! Haha. (:

LYNN!!!! ^^ He reminds me of Bobo. And yes, he's from Myanmar too!
Aaron! (:
JOEL!!! HAHA!

eyyyyyy, germany!!!!
LOL. CHONG EN! ^^
Look into his eyes. They're blue & they're pretty!! D:
I was forced to use my purple contacts cos my turqoise ones had a tear!!! D:
LOL. Ziq & Ati are probably ooh-ing & aah-ing!





THAT guy's SYAIFULLAH! or better known as SYAI! We share the same type of parents! HAHA! And syai, why do we always make that kinda face!
Ughhh! And whenever I camwhore with him, I always cut off his face!
LYNN & SULAIMAN!
SYAI & YAYA!
AISHAH & SHAFIQ again!

candid!
that's wang an! i think this photo looks nice
eyyyyyy.
the reason why i ask you guys to help us take photos is because u're my juniors. instead. you camwhore! HELLO?!
cenninchevitans! (:
extra juniors & a blueberry cheesecake! haha
sulaiman sempat seh!







haha. people ask me about sentosa, i can answer. you dunno meh.
i live on sentosa! (:
3rd time this year!! <3





anyway,
to the organising commitee & sls!

dayung sampan,
we thank you very much...
THANK YOU!!! (: